Riots in Kampala, power cuts, and MPs sitting for senior six exams

Bazanye's Quick Shots

Okay, let’s do this. Revolver loaded. Full clip and one in the chambre. They call this Quick shots, so let’s take some shots at the news. Ready?  

Traders in the city centre say political protests hurt their business reports Muhammad Matovu for Nilepost.

Like, “Duh!” reports E. Bazanye for the same news website. 

First of all, it’s been so long since I was in the central business district that I believe I qualify to be called a munakyalo now. I don’t like the CBD. It’s too noisy and crowded and chaotic and dangerous. And that is on a normal day, without any riot taking place, so I stop at Kamwokya and just wish you the best.

But I do sympathise, because I know that we, as agents of this economy of Uganda, if we can’t be orderly when merely selling China Converse sneakers called Connvers and donkey-hair wigs or whatever else they sell downtown, then the state of anarchy can only increase when we downgrade to agents of this politicy of Uganda. Then traders decide to trade flying stones for teargas cannisters.  

So I can see that chaos is hurts business.

Except in the obvious instances, of course. Such as Musa Missiles Company, the suppliers of the most aerodynamic stones in Kampala. During a riot or protest or strike, they can supply you with rocks in all varieties. Igneous, sedimentary, metamorphic and others. If you buy in bulk you even get a discount. 

Musa’s trade thrives on political riots and that is why he always makes it a point to not only vote for Museveni, but to do so as irregularly as possible. He seeks bribes to vote NRM, even though he was going to vote that way anyway. 

Then he sends selfies to Besigye right after. To fuel KB’s ire and ensure a riot.

Then there is Halima Helmets Inc. Originally a sports goods store, the proprietor found that sales of cricket helmets, bicycle helmets and motorbike helmets always rose sharply when there were stones and batons wrecking havoc outside the shop and flying towards potential customers’ heads. That is why the proprietor (his name is Roger. He started the business using funding meant for women entrepreneurs) decided to specialise in helmets and now provides the most riot-proof headgear downtown. He even sells riot police helmets with fake Nike logos on the back.

Now, let’s fire another shot: Peeder Sematimba sits for UACE exams in Luwero reports Jonah Kirabo in the Nilepost.

Following this E Bazanye observes that this is going to make it easier for the authorities concerned with exam malpractices to find any cheating. For example, if any answers are written in an accent you can guess who copied Peeder. 

Wait. I am told that some of the younger readers did not know that Peeder was once a musician. He was, long ago, back when I had just finished sitting my own UACE exams. 

He was a black R&B singer/producer then. Now he is a murram-coloured politician/exam candidate. Please Internet, provide a link to the hit single Baby Kyana by Peeder Sematimba so that these youth can pass their history exams.


Next shot. We hear that frequent power outages in Northern Uganda have sparked outrage in their failure to spark electricity. From Friday to Sunday, 1st to 4th of november  there was no hertz, amperes or drops in the Acholi subregion.

The reason given by the Minister of Charging Peter Lokeris, as Amon Katungulu reports for Nilepost, explained that the problem was that “the swamp was water logged due to the heavy rains hindering quick erection of new poles.”

As a grown up, mature, adult with morals, I will not make any jokes about erecting poles in waterlogged circumstances.

I’ll just leave you to make your own.

I hope they were very funny. Please tag me if you post any on social media.

But MPs from the area including Gulu Municipality’s 

Gulu Municipality MP, Hon. Lyandro Komakech, were not satisfied with the reason. I cannot totally relate. I am not satisfied with the reason given by my girlfriend, Bettina, who told me that the reason her phone was off that week was that she was upcountry in Lira and there was no power to charge it. 

This in spite of the fact that I clearly heard her distinct cat-like yelps of ecstasy emanating from her next-door neighbours’ bedroom window that night when I dropped by her place unannounced.

I think it is time to move to Gulu, in fact because any day now I am going to get a dumping text from her. Let me go get a ticket. 

Ladies and gentlemen, those were my shots. Don’t drink and drive. Bye.


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