House of Falament is a new satirical column by Ernest Bazanye
Every day this week in the house of falament began with the members either snoring, yawning, or drooling on each other’s shoulders. The speaker looked around and shook her wig.
Speaker: I was going to say good morning everybody but the way some of you are still asleep…
Member from Kilama: Madam speaker sir, we just got back from the NRM retreat in Kyankwanzi. We still have jet lag.
Speaker: Well, whatever version of order you lazy dwips can decide to supply today, bring it. Let’s at least pretend to do some work for these allowances.
Youth Member from Alipepe: But Madam Speaker, I can’t believe you are not still in holiday spirit like the rest of us. Kyankwanzi retreat was lit!
Woman Member from Alipepe: Point of clarification, for the more elderly MPs who don’t know what lit is, it means it was buladde.
Member from Alipepe: Point of clarification for the even more elderly ones who don’t know what buladde is, it means it was ballistic.
Member from Ggwa North: Point of inquiry. What is ballistic? Excuse me. I am 77 years old. I haven’t done anything fun since independence when I became a began to work for civil service. Since then all I have done is be slow, tedious, incompetent and useless. None of these words the Alipepe are saying mean anything to me.
Speaker: I am surprised you enjoyed it. It was made clear in the document titled “Joining Instructions for the Parliamentary Caucus at the National Leadership Institute Kyankwanzi” which was even reported on by the Nile Post that none of you were supposed to act like … well, act like you did last time. We specifically banned smoking…
Member from Pimkwam: Why are you looking at me like that? Speaker, I can assure the august house and this whole assembly that I did not smoke any cigarettes.
Member from Mbocwa: But your your lips look like chimneys and every word you speak smells of ash.
Member from Pimkwam: I didn’t smoke cigarettes, okay? But there is a traditional shrine near the camp and my ancestors had been requesting a visit for a while. They had questions about some of my constituents who had a dispute over whether a grey goat can substitute for a white goat in a blessing ritual, or whether it will be like using a black goat, which is for curses.
Member from Pimkwam (Women): And when those ancestors call you better answer or bad things happen. Last time we didn’t smoke the pipe at Kyankwanzi, guess what? Besigye was granted bail!
Member from Ddriput: I am looking at this document here on Nilepost, via free wifi here in the chambres. What was that so called rule about not having sex? That must be fake news. Anyone who tries to say “no sex” in any part of Uganda is a liar. Uganda is a constant and incessant bedroom. Statistics prove that.
Member of Pimkwam: Tell them. Everybody knows those statistics. For example, research has proven that nine out of ten things in Uganda is sex.
Member from Ddriput: How can you have one of the highest population growth rates in the world and also have one of the highest condom use rates in the world and then try to convince anyone that your nation is not all about sexing itself silly?
Member of Pimkwam: In Uganda even the sex is having sex with the sex.
Member from Ogonja: Me for me I didn’t. I didn’t have sex, madam speaker.
Speaker: At least one person followed the instructions in the letter.
Member from Ogonja: I asked Maria but refused. She said my election was too free and fair.
Member of Pimkwam: You mean she said it wasn’t rigid enough.
Author of the column: Yeah, reader. I can’t believe they let me use that joke either.
Speaker: Well you didn’t go there to copulate or smoke. You went there to decide on the party flag bearer for the next general presidential race.
Member from Mbocwa: Some actually called him Dear Leader. With no sense of irony.
Member from Ariaho: Yes! We crowned him unparalleled, undisputed, complete and utter champion of Uganda. We won’t allow anyone to challenge him. He is the best Ugandan, the most Ugandan and will be so from 2021 and on and on until China comes to take over and even then he will be the LC Chairman of Uganda province.
Member from Alipepe: You guys, I think we should go back for another one. Nominating is lit!
I think we should nominate him for everything. We didn’t nominate him for sole candidate in enough elections. I nominate President Museveni for sole candidate of Miss Uganda 2020 as well.
Member of Alipepe: Even Hipipo music awards. We should nominate him as sole candidate for the hipipo award.
Speaker: Which award?
Member of Ariaho: Whicheer one Bobi Wine is up for.