Nassur Tab’an El-Tablaz
Dear Madam Rt. Hon. Prime Minister Nabbanja Robinah,
Pardon my writing to you informally. You know us Ugandans with our overpowering sense of entitlement! Like neighbours, I’d simply have come home but for your upgraded security.
I must confess that my love for you begins with your name, Robinah, which you share with two of my untraceable wonderful ex-girlfriends.
For starters, allow me congratulate you upon your recent elevation to the post of Prime Minister. Your story is a well-documented one and I won’t delve much into your rise from the little known Kakumiro to becoming the first female premier this country has ever had.
This upgrade isn’t your upgrade dear – it’s ours too! You don’t know how you’ve changed our introductions as lucky residents of Kavule, Bataka Zone… we now haughtily tell our acquaintances that we’re neighbours of Uganda’s PM!
This is no mean fit, and I’d like to thank God’s own son, the humble carpenter of Nazareth, for having the vision and wisdom to appoint you to this position.
I still don’t fathom why it’s taken Ugandans, and indeed the entire world, long to acknowledge the second coming of God’s only begotten son in the person of our beloved visionary President, H.E Yoweri Kaguta Museveni!
The Saviour has been living amongst us for this long but we’ve been too naïve to notice. Indeed ignorance is bliss, and like both the Qur’an and Bible concur, we, humans, have eyes but shall seldom see! How have we failed to recognise all the miracles He has performed since saving us in 1986?
I had always suspected that the Messiah was with us and this was confirmed, verbatim, at the recent Cabinet swearing in when He declared that He had gone back to default settings and chosen fishermen as His disciples!
And what better lead fisherman can this country have than you Rt. Hon. Nabbanja? (I’m a son of a veteran commando-cum-fisherman (RIP)… so I know one when I see one!)
Your less than a hundred days in office have been magical. You’ve taken the country by storm! We’re so proud of the fact that you’ve successfully defeated the temptation to relocate to the high-end Kampala suburbs, as most of us would have done.
Instead, you’ve taken it upon yourself to single-handedly bring the high-end amenities to shanty Kavule: how you have saved us the potholes by upgrading your section of our formerly impassable road from the main road to your residence!
The other sections you would use in the past to avoid heavy traffic jam can well keep their crater lakes, after all, you now have a lead car and right to passage as a first class citizen – being held in traffic jam is a thing to only write about in your memoir.
Lest I forget, thank you for also improving our security with your towering perimeter wall and the 24hr police presence. May you find it befitting to install for us surveillance cameras, too.
Madam Premier, let me end with the small matter of our ka money, the Nabbanja money.
How people in the central region have made fun of this your generosity! Don’t mind them.
They’re simply noise making ingrates with too much South African blood, looking for the slightest of opportunities to cause mayhem in our peaceful nation!
While they raise tantrums, we, the people of Kavule, are elated to have been prioritised to all receive the Nabbanja money before even the English speaking vulnerable Gulu City people! Thank you for empathising with the layman.
You are the true testimony of social capital and its ripple effect. You see, in this life, when you succeed, find time to light your family’s fire so that if your own fire goes out, they can return the favour and light yours back.
There’s a risk of darkness if you’re the only light in your family!
You’ve indeed lit the entire Kavule neighbourhood. Thank you for loving your neighbours as decreed in the Ten Commandments. I’ll not even complain on behalf of my colleagues the teachers, poets and creative because my comedian friends Bugingo Hannington, Ssebakigye Emmanuel and Teacher Mpamire; my musician friends Yese Oman Rafiki, Ykee Benda and Chozen Blood and my producer friends 𝐒𝐢𝐫 𝐃𝐚𝐧 𝐌𝐚𝐠𝐢𝐜 and Washington have all received the Nabbanja money and are contented.
All those crying foul can go ahead and make as many comic videos and songs on Tik Tok, Facebook or YouTube as they like! They will attract more following and begin to earn online. We, the real vulnerable people, are happy and pray for your wellbeing, Madam Rt. Hon.
I pray you counsel the other fishermen you’re leading to take a leaf from you and benefit their localities. You’re such a blessing to Kavule, Kakumiro and Uganda at large.
I’m very sure even God is happy with you… why wouldn’t He be impressed by His son’s lead disciple who even donated her first 50m salary to the church? God bless you and have a meaning tenure. May the devil of reshuffle never be spoken beyond whispers till 2026!
Your grateful neighbour,
Nassur Tab’an El-Tablaz
The writer is an author, secondary school teacher and poet