I have a theory. It might sound crazy, but with the way Uganda has been over the past fifteen years, that must make it more plausible. All sorts of crap we thought was too ridiculous to happen has settled itself into day to day.
We were more efficient in giving iPads to MPs than in getting sanitary pads for schoolgirls, the coiner of the term “Overstayed” removed presidential term limits and I still have to pay URA to read the latest tweets from URA.
Generally, up is down, down is up, and fish milly-rock through the Kapchorwa grasslands in knockoff Yeezy 3000s, because, why not. That is not a question.
Just expect the unexpected to catch you unawares, even though you expected it.
So this is my theory.
Bobi Wine doesn’t have a plan. He doesn’t have a campaign manifesto, he doesn’t have speeches, he doesn’t have programmes.
He doesn’t even have a fiscal policy.
There isn’t even a real campaign staff– he just has two people– Stressaman and Njugu Banton– just those two.
He may have started with a solid, coherent, well-considered roadmap at some point, with clear aims and strategies on how to reach the people and convince them that he should be their next head of state but now he knows he doesn’t need any of that irrelevant stuff.
He doesn’t need to consult, campaign or create awareness because, why bother when the police is ready to do all that for you?
Let me take this moment to big up Dr Nyanzi. Welcome back home, sis! The prison album is going to go platinum just like Pac’s.
Stella Nyanzi was jailed for saying some rude things about the president.
Now, I myself, would never condone such behaviour. It is abhorrent to me. Even typing about such heinous act makes my fingers wish they had a mouth each so that they could throw up.
What she did? That was not just wicked, it was pagan and smacked of witchery… this is the kind of behaviour that is so evil that it must have come with some kind of supernatural underworld involvement. Mayembe wrote those words. Yes, like the Tupac she has come to be compared with, she probably had ghostwriters.
I, myself, would never ever say anything negative about, well, you-know-who. To me he is perfection itself, the peak of Ugandan excellence, the purity of local dew and the magnificence of native sunlight. May his name ring in glory from every mountain top and may every child born in the past 33 years learn to shut up and stop crying every time his voice is heard on the TV.
But, just because I am either a loyal citizen or am so intimidated by such arrests that I won’t even belch in case it comes out sounding similar to a Firebase beat doesn’t mean there are no people out there who do voice whatever few quibbles they have with the way the country is being run. There is, after all, no country in the world where no one criticises the president. Even Obama and Mandela got dissed. There is no president in the world who doesn’t get criticised. Such is civilisation.
The difference between Stella Nyanzi and the others who whine and bellyache about our immaculate, flawless, perfect leadership is that now the whole world knows what she said.
Because Police is the best PR agency in the country.
Which is something I am certain Mr Sentamu knows.
I ask you, reader, Who else is standing for president? How many of them have had consultative meetings as required by law? Is Maureen Kyalya back? I am going to take a correct guess and say you have no idea.
As far as the typical voter is aware, the presidential race is between President Museveni and Bobi Wine.
And if you ever begin to forget, all Bobi has to do is get Stressaman to send a whatsapp to the cops and tell them that Bobi is going to Zzana to buy a pack of chewing gum and weeeweeeweeee, the Uganda Police Bobi Squad is deployed immediately: twelve hundred officers in bullet proof body armour, eight dozen tanks, plus the drones, the snipers and the snitches all descend upon Zzana.
All this has to do is happen twice a month or so and you will never forget that Bobi Wine is Standing For President.
What was the name of the other guys who never got arrested? Abed Jeema? Venetian Byanevergotarrested? Ekanya? Wakayima? Who knows, remembers or cares. Not a question either. They never got teargas, so ani amumanyi. We only remember Besigye. And
That’s my theory. Bobi’s entire campaign strategy is to keep getting arrested until voting day when the choice will be between the 70-year-old three-decades-strong armyman and the 30-year-old kid he has been beating on for the whole campaign season.
The choice will be between power and the powerless, guns and victims, those who just want to be free and get their lives done and those who won’t let them.
And the results will be, obviously, you can guess. NRM oyee. Forever. May the reign of the never end.