House of Falament: Members protest against proposed ban on alcohol sachets, OTT

The house of Falament is in a celebratory mood. While the speaker is out, probably attending to … okay, let’s not pretend that speakers don’t use the toilet, attending the loos, the members proceed with their mischief.

Member from Kilama: Fellow members of the house of falament of Uganda, I would like to propose a toast…

Member from Mbocwa: But you man, how many times do they have to tell you, no drinking in chambers?

Member from Kilama: But my sachet is already open. Look. I bit the end off. If I don’t drink it, it will evaporate and ruin the ozone layer. It is my duty to save the environment to drink it.

Member from Ggwa: Also, I hear that the executive wants to ban sachets. They feel that there is too much usage of satchet liquor in the country. We had better help them reduce the amount of satchet liquor available. So here, everyone, take a couple from my bag.

Member from Kilama: Who says no drinking in chambers? Who makes those rules? That’s right. We make the rules. I pass a motion to amend the rules of drinking in chambers. Henceforth everybody downs their sachet in a single gulp as I propose this toast.

Member from Ggwa: Here, this one is yours.

Member from Mbocwa: No. Take that thing out of my face.

Member from Ggwa: You heard the rules. It’s now law. Falament has said so. You’ll be in contempt.

Member from Mbocwa: That’s not how it works. You don’t just wake up and make a stupid law. There are procedures to follow.

Member from Ssebunyampa: We don’t just wake up and make a stupid law? Helloooo! Remember OTT tax? That was the dumbest law in Africa and who made it?

Member from Alipepe: I didn’t even have to wake up. I was asleep in my seat the whole time we passed that one.

Member from Ssebunyampa: We were supposed to tax usage of social media for leisure activities and exempt educational and informative use. Instead, now students have to pay tax to get into their whatsapp discussion groups on campus; now the new innovation hubs which are discussing how to create apps to connect traders and farmers across the nation have to pay tax to do so; now the kids in town have to pay tax to just to check on their mothers in the village. Heh heh. Even saying, “Mummy did you remember to take your medicine?” you have to pay tax!

Member for Kilama: Point of order. Will the already-drunk member from Ssebunyampa please shut up and let me finish. I have not even proposed the toast.

Member from Ssebunyampa: I will need another satchet for the toast. This one preempted it. Give me Mbocwa’s if she doesn’t want it.

Member for Kilama: Members, I would like to propose a toast to us. Some people claim that we are weak. That we are just a rubberstamp. That we don’t provide adequate checks to the powers of the executive branch.

Member from Ssebunyampa: Haters just.

Member from Kilama: But guess what. We just got a telecom company to not only provide us with internet data every month, but to also foot the bill for social media tax, all at the Ugandan taxpayer’s expense. We don’t have to pay a cent! After such a thing, who can say we are not powerful beyond belief? Who else is as mighty as we? We not only made them pay to hashtag #ThisTaxMustGo, we are now making them pay it for us to mute them! Cheers!

Member from Alipepe: Ssssh. Teacher! Teacher! Teacher is coming. Hide the sachets.

Speaker: Order. Order. I had just stepped out briefly. What is going on? What is this I hear about you mad chicken forcing the taxpayer to foot your OTTT bills? That’s ridiculous, even for you!

Member from Mbocwa: I second that motion.

Member from Kilama: Madam speaker sir, with all due respect, and you do what? The contract is already on the way.

Speaker: You think I am just going to sit here and let the nation’s already-overburdened taxpayer take on the added task of paying for Pimkwam’s Tinder? And why does the whole room smell of crude waragi?

Member from Kilama: Madam speaker, the power is in the hands of the people who we represent. What we chose to do with that power is make them pay our taxes. We run this town. Let me even post a meme on snapchat. With all due respect.

Speaker: With all due respect, Member from Kilama, we shall see.. Bazanye, close this week’s column on that cliffhanger note.