SEE-MAN: My party was bigger than NUP so Bobi killed it

I made one mistake of sitting too close to him and the strong smell of that thing he used to smoke hit me so hard that when I woke up, I was in some joke called NUP.

SATIRE | I'm a good man. Everybody knows that. Yes, my wife can't stop reminding me of that fact, a very good man, she always enthuse.

It is primarily because of that good-man gene in me that I've been holding myself from telling this scrawny guy that he killed my party out of cheer envy.

But today, I couldn't contain myself any longer because... actually, I'm so unhappy with him that if I had my way, I would show him exactly what vets do with their patients that cannot live anymore.

Yes, I'm a vet and proud of it, too.

Years ago, as you all know, I formed the Peoples Development Party (PDP). It was the best political organisation in the land and I was primed to oust Museveni.

PDP was so good that these guys were jumping up and down like toads in Disney films on NickJr - all wanting to join my PDP.

But I told them that PDP could not allow people with stained past. I rejected nearly 27 million Ugandans trying to join my PDP because I couldn't find integrity in them.

Basically, I remained alone in that party. That is the absolute truth; I was alone in PDP because I rejected 27 million Ugandans, I'm talking about 27 million potential members.

Then if you remember well, this guy Mabikke, a jolly good fella who was leading the Social Democratic Party, he came and said to me, "Animal Doctor, DP might die, it needs a vet like you".

So I agreed and he, Mabikke, and Mao with his dying DP, joined my PDP in a coalition. And that is when this scrawny fella came up with his fumes.

I made one mistake of sitting too close to him and the strong smell of that thing he used to smoke hit me so hard that when I woke up, I was in some joke called NUP.

People think I joined NUP, no - that's total hogwash. How could a man with the biggest Opposition political party join an upstart like NUP and its joke upstart politician?

The truth is that I just woke up, found myself there and because my wife keeps saying I'm a good man, I decided to just belong there, to feel a bit of camaraderie.

The main reason I stayed in there for all this while was to investigate the circumstances under which a typical novice like that had grabbed my big PDP.

PDP was really big. We had support from every corner of this country, that is why I could effortlessly translate the last epistles my buddy wrote in all languages of Uganda.

In recent weeks, my home has had an influx of emissaries being sent in by NUP chaps to plead with me not to take away my PDP influence and support base from their failing gay-support-agenda party.

They know that once I leave, then NUP is dead and buried. At least they know this fact and, for that, I credit them.

I'm a serious man unlike this guy whose only claim to fame was lifting Lord Laro's entire beats of World News and slapping it on Abalungi Balumya and claim he has something to show for.

I don't engage in fakes. When I saw traces of fake in my religion, I went away and started a church. The Christian Witness Church in Ntinda, you know it.

But what has Bobi ever started? Tell me, what? He steals lyrics, steals beats and even stole Moses Kibalama's constitution and used drugs to take my PDP into his joke politics.

Some of the emissaries say, "Abed, meet with Bobi and settled the differences amicably". Me? To meet who? I'm a vet, if I meet a patient like him, you know what happens?

I told Mpuuga, "My friend, let's go to church for Easter, let those people talk. So we went."

Then I told him, "let's go and see the Katikkiro, let those people talk." So we went.

Then again I told him, "let's write epistles in every language, let those people talk." So we did.

He said, "yes, Abed, you are truly the man of strategies".

Now the biggest kingdom in the country knows our influence, the whole country knows we speak their language. What will NUP do except put roses on the 'sticky wicket' for what the Speaker called 'bumshafters'?

Kati nze Abed, mpangira naye nkaali mboko!