Sex: Women, don't moan in English. Tebinyuma!

Certain things excite Ugandans. Money, politics and a few other things. But sex videos get Ugandans excited to a whole other level.

In the last couple of weeks, Uganda has shared two sex tapes. Videos, including their own. As much as I would like to come out and condemn any human being who has leaked or threatened to leak anyone’s sex tape, I won't.

Any time you record a video or take a nude, know that at one point in time, the public will view it. Sometimes you don't even share it with anyone, but we still see it. The best thing to do is make sure you look fantastic in it.

Yeah, I am not one to tell you not to share anything intimate. Videos will be recorded, and nudes will be sent. That's how relationships stay on the interesting path. Just make sure you look amazing in whatever you decide to do.

Moving on, Bushenyi was about the water. Men watched this video over and over again. Women argued if it was real water or if she was peeing. Bushenyi was trending on Twitter for days.

The answer is she was squirting. It happens. Yes, that amount of water and more can come from someone depending on how much they want you and how good you are.

Squirting is really about how this female feels about you, how calm her body is and the man’s skill. This is as basic as it gets. So yeah, Bushenyi happened even with rubber on.

Then came Kabale. It was wet, but it wasn't about that, was it? It was about the way she was moaning. How many people were turned on by her nastiness? The way she broke out in her language.

Miss D has clarified that English should end in the boardroom. Go native when it comes to sex. That woman looked good, she looked like she could speak enough English for sex, but most people were mesmerised because she took the native path.

Nothing sounds real and amazing when you speak from the heart during the session. It doesn't sound pretentious. It sounds like a song. It is real. It is everything and more. Women who moan in their language deserve all the money in the world.

Now imagine instead of the Bushenyi woman focusing on hiding her face, she was moaning a little more and in her language. Just imagine someone giving you all that water and her father’s land in the same spirit. Wouldn't the world be a better place?

The Kabale woman was sexier than the Bushenyi woman because of the words of affirmation that came out of her in a language she understands the most.

So let's give men something to write home about. Let's keep English for making money and spew our languages when riding them. It doesn't hurt to also go all out with the water.

Our men go through a lot. The least we can do is water their souls in a language we understand best.

Till next time eno ensi tekwemazamu.