Parliament has committees for Public Accounts, Defence, Health, Natural Resources and even Equal Opportunities. Yet one glaring omission has persisted for decades: there is no Committee on Witchcraft Affairs.
This oversight has become impossible to ignore.
The latest alarm comes from Speaker Jacob Oboth-Oboth, who says there are people determined to end his life through witchcraft. He has appealed for prayers, insisting that those plotting against him have tried before and failed because he is "God-made."
Oh poor namesake, did you think those photos of your predecessors darting here and there in eerie spots was catwalk? Fasten your seatbelt, Jacob, because now we are engaging the ultimate invisible gear.
Indeed, if invisible forces are now the biggest occupational hazard for our political leaders, Parliament must stop pretending that governance is merely about laws and budgets. It should urgently establish a fully-fledged Department of Witchcraft Affairs.
The department's first assignment would be to conduct a spiritual audit of Parliament. Which corridors are cursed? Which committee rooms require anointing? Does the Speaker's chair come with invisible occupants? Taxpayers deserve answers.
The Speaker should then appoint a Principal Assistant Secretary in Charge of Occult Intelligence. Given the state of job economy here, a single ad for such a position will attract a million prospective Anyikas from across the country.
Well, it would be interesting to see how they are interviewed for the big job but that is besides the matter at hand now.
Yes, every morning, this distinguished civil servant would brief journalists.
"Good morning. Today's intelligence assessment indicates moderate supernatural activity around the parliamentary chambers. Honourable members are advised not to shake hands with strangers, accept suspicious eggs, or sit in seats facing west."
Transparency is the cornerstone of democracy.
Naturally, Parliament would also need a permanent shrine—not because anyone believes in such things, of course, but because prevention is better than cure. It could be tastefully constructed behind the Speaker's chambers, complete with a visitors' register and infrared CCTV cameras to monitor non-human traffic.
The Sergeant-at-Arms would acquire additional responsibilities. Besides protecting the parliamentary mace, he would carry holy water in one pocket, talisman in another and perhaps a whistle capable of summoning whichever spiritual reinforcement is currently on duty.
Parliamentary procedure would also require updating. Instead of suspending sittings because of quorum, the House could adjourn sine die whenever the Department of Witchcraft Affairs reports unusually high levels of invisible interference.
After all, no legislation should be passed while evil spirits are lobbying honourable members. And in case you don't get it, how else do you think those alleged honourable chaps keep engaging in unthinkable strife? Do you really believe just one punch by the other fella from North sent the Mityana guy into ICU? No way! The invisible hand was included in adding weight to the punch.
Recall how the General did things during Togikwatako? He was backed by another muscled hand that no one could see but the victim could feel, gravely I say.
The Budget Committee would have its work cut out too. It would need to approve funds for annual cleansing ceremonies, emergency exorcisms after particularly heated debates and foreign benchmarking trips to countries with advanced expertise in parliamentary spiritual defence.
Accountability, however, would become wonderfully simple.
A failed road project? Witchcraft.
Missing medicines? Dark forces.
Collapsed public building? Someone buried something.
Corruption scandal? Clearly the work of invisible enemies determined to tarnish otherwise impeccable reputations.
Now I know some of you think this is a joke and say things like when leaders speak of unseen enemies more often than visible responsibilities, accountability quietly slips through the cracks.
Mbu citizens expect their leaders to confront inflation, unemployment, corruption and poor service delivery—not invisible opponents who cannot be summoned before a committee, questioned under oath or cross-examined by the Auditor General.
This is like smoking wet weed and picking up a microphone - you end up speaking nonsense like freedom of expression and stuff like democracy. It is well known that every political inconvenience is the work of witches and governance itself has long been a supernatural enterprise. We just need to humble ourselves like Speaker Oboth and admit.
Yes, Parliament does not need another committee after all. The time when we said we need leaders brave enough to fight the enemies the public can actually see is done. Let's get the witchcraft governance up and flying like th efamous Abiba.
