Veteran journalist Moses Serugo fails kyeyo in Germany

SATIRE | Quintessential arts and culture journalist Moses Serugo has left Germany and is back beating about in Kampala like a KCCA janitor seeking delayed wage payments, he has confirmed.

In a brief and angry message, Serugo told this writer that he had been deported although sources in Germany downplayed the claims.

"Sea-Em**, I quietly returned on Holy Saturday," he said. "Go and tell whoever owes me that I can't hear excuses and those I owe to be understanding."

The veteran journalist quietly left Jinja City about a year ago, for a new life in Germany. He was seen on arrival drinking a mug of beer and eating snacks in the company of Stella Nyanzi.

He looked so happy, he could have passed for Elon Musk's auditor.

"But man, first drop a dollar, you can't just return and cause inflation in downtown alone," I said.

"This is why I took long to tell you I had returned," he scoffed. "I knew you were going to go off like a rusty gun asking for alms for your starving broods. You should have been castrated if you knew you would be perpetually broke like desert sand."

"Well, it could be that you were mustering the courage to say you are back, broke and balder after failing kyeyo in Germany."

"Your blackmail will not work on me, not today. If you want money, go and work for it. Or you will be thrown off the seventh floor of Next Media Park because even that flag up there has a better visibility than your contribution to the company."

"Okay, keep your money - if you have it anyway. Just tell me; you weren't deported, you are broke and yet you returned. How does that make sense?"

"Like I owe you an explanation. Did I tell you anything when I was leaving?"

"You told me when you had left, just like you're now telling me you are back."

"I am not going to indulge your blackmail and stupidity!"

"You're always acerbic, I think you can successfully make Mpuuga show remorse for that Shs500 million."

He trailed off. When he returned, he revealed that he had been playing Ibeba by Tabu Ley Rochereau on repeat for days. He wanted to know what the song is about.

I suggested I would offer the meaning in exchange for the kyeyo dollars he had carried back. This time he ignored or maybe he did not see that bit as Ibeba was flooring him.

Turns out so, as he went about, "Iki manbuya lupangiyayi, iki mambuye… That’s what they are singing on the outro."

I told him the words were "Iki Mambu naluka nguya (Iki Mambu I'm looking for power).

"Ibeba means 'it is ruined - like saying your kyeyo is ruined and you've been deported like the man in that song is singing about attempts by his mother-in-law to have him 'deported' from his marriage," I added.

"Even if I was raining money, I wouldn't even let a single drizzle in your direction," Sure Ego said.

Anyway, I offered a tray of pig's ears and coiled tails if he returned to Jinja to revive arts and culture passion. He did not accept the offer. He also did not refuse.

East or West, Kampala is crazy!

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This is a parody column where truth and lies are intertwined