Facebook is an interesting platform where you can do all- shopping, gossiping, slaying business, dating and borderline pass-time among many. The other day as I was scrolling looking for jokes as I was having a particularly long day ...I came across a post on one of the many pages I follow.
This lady has been in a serious relationship with this guy for 12 years, they have two children one 8 and the other 2 years. Sadly the boyfriend (yes still boyfriend) has never spent a week home, the most has been two days and his excuse is he is busy working and trying to provide for the family.
He sends upkeep once in a while but sometimes tells her since she is also working she should be in a position to pay the bills he doesn't have money. She was asking for advice on whether to stay or go.
Now I think any smart person would know this guy is married with a stable family and she is the side dish for a good 12 years but sadly among her complaints, there was no suspicion of any sort that she could be a side dish. Yes, twelve years, she is still wondering if she should stay or go while many of us think she has delayed leaving, she is still not sure.
Many of us are in this dilemma; should I stay or go, is she/he cheating on me? Does she/he love me or not, does he think am marriage material or not? Are we going anywhere, how come he never talks about the future with me, we do not even have a single photo together, it’s been years and he has never even met my parents.
Research shows women fretting more about this but most men do especially the broke ones for lack of a polite word. Would she really marry me despite my state, how come every time I try to meet her parents she says no, there many rich guys out there no wonder she doesn't want us to meet in public. She must be embarrassed and the whole nine yards.
Dora, one of the smartest persons I know stayed with this guy for two years but he had never introduced her to his friends, let alone the family. With her busy schedule, she always found time to call but not him, he never called except on Friday so she could go to his place and clean, cook or well and do it of course.
When single we often read advice notes about what not to settle for, we hear and believe them. "People make time for who they want to make time for. People text, call and reply to people they want to talk to. Never believe anyone who says they are too busy. If they wanted to be around you they would" and the like.
But when in a relationship, toxic for that matter, this flies out faster than a man caught pants down with the neighbor’s wife. Dora only found out about Flavia, the main chick; the one she always cleaned the house for on the weekend (as she had weekend classes and slept near campus on the weekends) on one Tuesday she had misplaced her keys and decided to surprise Fred only to be surprised. Beautiful articulate Dora was the side chick.
Tonny in a seemingly stable relationship with Angela was a happy man in love until it dawned on him that he was being used. Angella only called when she had money issues. Always came at the end of the month and went away with her rent money, as much as he insisted they should move in together it fell on deaf ears. She said it was too soon, visiting her was always on appointment or else she wouldn't open the door for him. He had never met a friend of hers and they weren't even friends on Facebook and was her name was actually Gloria, not Angela.
Now she had no problem sleeping with him once in a while at her own convenience but since he was getting some, he wasn't suspicious. Sadly by the time it dawned on him it was too late, Angela/Gloria was on her honeymoon.
Aggie and Ben rarely went on dates, he always had an excuse, she had never met the friends except one and it was a chance meeting so he had to excuse himself and cut the date short that day. He never opened up to her about himself. We all thought for fear of accidentally revealing too much or being caught in a lie, but she always defended him.. He is an introvert. It was so clear to all of us that the dude was married. He had these routine calls and programs the same time always, like that was his only alone time from the wife. He would never sleepover and always had an excuse when she wanted to sleep over or visit his place, which guy would turn down such repeated offers of sex at his place and a home-cooked meal except a married one.
We once told her we didn't trust him that one time he went silent for a month only to come back and say he had lost his phone...dude knew where she lived, but never visited. It was too fishy not to smell... but Aggie didn't smell a thing. We told her that guy could be married and presented viable evidence but she became so defensive and borderline aggressive that we vowed to wait and see how it all played out and never say a word more.
Aggie in love was a clueless Aggie, she compromised on everything. All we wanted was that she kicks his ass to the left (Cheers to Beyonce) but the relationship went on for three good years. And no it wasn't the money, Aggie an independent woman didn't need a man for her expenses in fact she paid all her bills except for data which they shared. On finding out he was married with kids, Aggie lost it and was bedridden for a month with doctors not seeing any problem but she looked and felt sick for a good 3 months. No appetite, headaches, lost weight.
If you have a weird feeling about the relationship and a sense that she/he's not solidifying anything between you two, then you could very well be the side chick. That gut feeling that something is not right is the starting point. What is funny about this is that these are very obvious signs but sadly never to the one going through the toxic relationship. Be a dear and share it with a friend going through this. Insist until they open up and see it for what it is... a relationship going nowhere because sadly Aggie on finding out almost committed suicide.
Never the less, much as men never leave their wives, research shows that most relationships start from one being a side chick/guy then promoted to the main chick/guy the wife/husband. As one who totally against cheating and being second to anyone in love (side chick) this made my stomach turn, am still recovering.
All in all if you not okay with being any ones side anything, look out for those signs and more.