The house of Falament meets to discuss the recent budget reading. But before anything, there is a stir, a commotion, a kavuyo coming from one corner, as the Onerous Member from Ddriput constituency walks in.
Speaker: What on earth is that thing you are wearing? I heard that Uganda started marking Halloween, but surely that is not today.
Member from Ddriput: You have heard of Dolce Gabana? You have heard of Giorgio Armani? You have heard of Yves Saint Laurent? Yeah. They got together and combined talents to create this suit. It is a Dolce Gabana Armani St Laurent imported direct from Beijing.
And the shirt is by Caitlyn Jenner.
Member from Ogonja: Call the ambulance! My eyes are bleeding from how ugly that suit is!
Member from Ddriput: Madam Speaker, may I report myself for misconduct? I don’t think it is in order for me to come in here and slay like this. I’m too fly for the plenary. Maybe I should be absent until I am less fabulous.
Member from Wepsu: That is not how slaying works, dumbdumb. Slaying means you are supposed to look good. Not like … that.
Member from Ddriput: Are you even aware of how much this suit cost? I can’t even give you the cost in shillings. Or even dollars. I have to give you the cost in how many health care centres, school laboratories and kilometres of tarmac could have been paid for with this money.
Member from Wepsu: It’s still an ugly suit.
Member from Ogonja: Madam Speaker, I move that this suit be stricken from the record, banned, and made punishable by life imprisonment on the grounds that it looks like it was made from the hide of the offspring of a dead fish that somehow mated with a dead frog in post mortem fornication. Moreover when both specimens came from the swamps of Ssebunyampa, the area with the ugliest wildlife in uganda.
Member from Ssebunyampa: Point of objection. Even though it is true that we have hideous animals, that is not one of ours.
Member from Alipepe: Point of inquiry. Why? Why would you even buy that thing, let alone wear it?
Member from Ddriput: Didn’t you hear the budget speech? Do you know how much money we have? 41 trillion! We are rich! In fact, take a good look, because I am never wearing it again. I have 365 more. A different one for each day.
Member from Mbocwa: Point of information, member, that money isn’t yours. It is for the nation’s development. I know you think Uganda is just a thing for you to fleece dry, but surprise surprise. Some of it is actually for other uses.
Member from Kilama: Point of inquiry. Other uses like what? We come here we get allowances. For travel, for internet, for attendance; that means we get allowances for coming, for staying, for not paying attention and for going back. What else are we supposed to use the money for?
Member from Mbocwa: Uh… education, health care, defense, agriculture?
Member from Kilama: Education? They should be like members I won’t name, but if you want to know who they are, their names are on forged university transcripts in the records room. Save money on education by just visiting Nasser Road. Defense? When we are our own worst enemy? That is all the more reason to spend the money on us. Agriculture? We already have israeli companies coming in to plant things here. Let them also plant our potatoes and cassava at their cost.
Member from Mbocwa: What about Health care?
Member from Kilama: I thought Ugandans get treatment in South Africa. Us when we get sick, we get on a plane and fly out. And now that we have our own planes, we don’t even need to buy tickets.
