Ugandans like Lugambo (rumours). I don't whether it is in our genes or whether we are generally idle people.
We have full TV and radio shows dedicated to rumours about who bought a new car, who is sleeping with who, which couple has broken up etc...
Now let me give you Lugambo about Ful Figa.
Not many people are as funny as Ful Figa, that belle that left the village years ago but the village is yet to leave her.
For the uninitiated, Ful Figa is one of the balebeesi of the president. She is so funny, you can just break out in laughter by looking at her.
In banana republics like Uganda, balebeesis are very important people. They get to see the president on regular basis, they are heavily guarded and some don't even stop at traffic lights because this wastes a lot of their time.
Now recently, Ful Figa gave birth and this is the topic of this Rogue column today.
She has named the boy, Kairos M. Pearl, raising more suspicions.
Yet the question remains: who is the father of Ful Figa's son?
Who is that man brave enough to sire a kid with Ful Figa?
Ful Figa has remained tightlipped about the identity of the father of her new born son but hey, Kampala is such a small city.
There are people who know things and will never keep a secret.
One of them has confided in The Rogue that the father of Ful Figa's son is a "very big man."
"He is big in size but also big in name," the guy whispered to me, shuddering.
"He is a very big man".
I asked: "So who is this man, so feared that his name cannot even be whispered in dreams?"
"Well, just take it from me, the man is very big," the Lugambo boy replied.
I prodded further, trying to nudge the Lugambo boy to drop me a hint about
He offered more description: "This man has a very big farm, travels in a very powerful car and owns a lot of real estate."
That still was not enough. I wanted more.
"How old is he? Is he married to someone else? Is Ful Figa a side-dish or she is the main woman?" I threw a couple of questions.
Exasperated, the Lugambo boy said the very big man is "over 60 years old, is married with children and Ful Figa could be his 10th side dish."
With that, I said I did not have any more questions.
The Rogue is a satirical column that runs very week on The Nile Post.