'I have spent 10 years without going home. I can't stand my father'

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Fri 22 Oct, 2021

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Bits of ME

A close friend left his parents’ home at age of 16 for life under the lights in the city.

By 23, he had found his footing: decent earning, new circles and found ‘family in town friends’ (at that point he didn’t miss his family).

He dreaded the occasional trips to deliver food stuff and basics to parents in village. The introduction of Mobile Money came as a welcome note.

It saved him trips to village, and threw money at parent’s problems who just needed to see their son and not consumed with Mobile Money figures.

His detachment deepened when a family dispute with siblings boiled over and he hated parents not taking his side.

He swore at them: "…now my lineage starts with me and my children."

As his purse swelled, so was his detachment; he bought acres of land and declared “my burial grounds will start henceforth on my land…”

No matter the impasse, do not wait to be carried back home in a coffin

Bits of YOU

Family rivalries with parents and their adult children are a common feature.

I know a couple of people who couldn’t wait to leave their parents' home upon completion of school.

"I can’t stand my nagging father."

To others (not judging) leaving parents is one way to escape the ‘sickening walls’ of home before a bizarre situation hammers their lives and every advice leads them to one option “dako eka” (loosely translated, 'I think you need to visit home').

Let me not just throw jabs and flip the coin.

"Between a parent and an adult child who needs to tone down when hell breaks loose?" A friend once asked.

My answer was: "No one is right, the right thing is knowing where you belong ( meaning come from)."

On that note I pose the question: Is any issue worth a write-off of your family?

No matter the impasse, do not wait to be carried back home in a coffin

Kiganda Hussein, 30, a journalist, admits he has spent five years without going back home.

"It's not that I am too busy or don't have money to go there but it's because I do not feel like it's home. When I go there, my father reminds me of how I refused to be a driver like he wanted me to be and the only person who would have defended me is a step mother," he said.

His crime, choosing university over reincarnating his father’s footsteps of driving and mechanics. In his father’s view, he is a rebellious son!

"I didn't want to be like him. I wanted to be myself and be different. He stopped paying my school fees at S6 and instead purchased an old Corona which he implored me to learn to drive but I didn't," Kiganda narrated.

His uncle came to his rescue to realize his university dream.

Kiganda and his father don’t see eye to eye,.

Kiganda chose to be alone and maintains he has no time to chase family happiness.

The parent’s aspiration now bedevils the child!

Who of the two tones down? Would Kiganda picking up the wheel at that age appease his father? Is it necessary?

Enforcing dreams onto a disinterested child is a herculean task. What if neither side is unwilling, or rather unable to bow?

No matter the impasse, do not wait to be carried back home in a coffin

Why? Because no ill feeling is substitute for home that does not feel like one.

Take for instance Onyait Jasper 43, an entrepreneur whose marriage to a Muganda woman caused his banishment from the clan. His parents preferred an Ateso bride.

For parents, knowing when to let go of your dictations and let loose of a child's aspirations is wise counsel.

Irrespective of mistakes made, parents should bind connections instead of breaking them just as children should step up in mending and maintaining the bond.

Unhealthy conflicts between adult children and their parents can be conciliated through;