"My brother should not appear at my funeral. I hate him so much"

 Bits of ME

"My brother and I don’t see eye to eye".  "I cut my sister out of my life."

"Even if I die, my sibling should never appear at my funeral”.

Sounds familiar?

A mother is tied in a noose. Her 9-year old son’s hands have become weapons of attack assaulting his 3-year old brother. At the slightest twitch, he fires at him in anger.

"I hate him," he says.

"I don’t want to play with him."

What started as a simple brawl over toys has spiralled into a jealousy and later household anarchy.

The typical old school casually remark sibling rivalry! Really?

Bits of YOU

Sibling rivalry when brawls turn into hostility?

Those lucky enough outlive it, while the rest germinate the seeds of sibling rivalry and it confronts their adult age.

A colleague at work shared with me how his ‘rival pair’ since childhood has carried the button into mature age.

"During family meetings, when I raise a contribution, she is the first to raise a counter remark; laugh out wide to ridicule when my comment is discarded down," the colleague said.

At some point, the rivalling siblings can unintentionally extend seeds of conflict to offsprings.

Through unguarded expletives or frustrations about their rival sibling within their children’s space, the innocent kids can ally with their parent’s anger and then discard who is causing it.

Before you know it, the little niece or nephew looks at you with animosity or worse still his/her cousins.

Dr Joseph Rujumba, a social worker at the Friday Adolescent Clinic, Mulago hospital calls sibling rivalry an enigma.

Hostility often starts right after the birth of the second child and can continue throughout childhood and adulthood.

It is how children learn to sort out problems and develop strategies to other conflict situations.

However, Dr. Rujumba stresses that parents should recognise sibling rivalry, support the children to resolve differences peacefully and not fuel feelings of hate for each other.

"Identify children who may struggle with managing anger which can trigger reactions in their siblings," he said.

Being a role model helps, Dr. Rujumba said.

"If parents engage in fights and abuse each other, some children will do the same to each other."

Through the rivalry, some children work out their place in the family but parents need to invest time to foster healthy relationships.

When disagreements emerge however small, he emphasises that you should discuss them and find solutions.

Dr Rujumba said some parents knowingly or unknowingly can fuel sibling rivalry by according special attention to some children.

Shared bits

Radio Personality and relationship coach Jaq Deweyi Namataka said it was hard to know their mum's favourite child.

"I used to think it was my sisters; Barbara and Cissy until they told me, they also thought I was the one. We jealously competed for mum's attention trying to be the golden child, reporting exaggerated versions about the other. Coming of age, we realized we were going to fall apart over petty issues yet all we’ve got is each other," she said.

Prof Augustus Nuwagaba, an economist, said issues of sharing of family resources fuel rivalry.

"For us, we agreed that our family property remains in the pool. We have never divided the property. This has helped. Once you start sub-dividing the little land and other property, then you lose what in economics we call production under economies of scale. I advise families to stop sub-dividing family property, instead create a foundation which eventually outlives individual family members, yet with sufficient accountability and sustainability," Nuwagaba said.

In the end, love is the solution to all problems.

Causes of Sibling rivalry

• Feelings of unfair treatment

• Arrival of a new baby causes insecurity for an/other children.

• Having unmet basic needs

• Absent parents/minimal family time with parents

Tips on how to deal with sibling rivalry

• Appreciate all children as individuals with different strengths and weaknesses

• Have realistic expectations of each child, avoid comparisons.

• Identify and support individual abilities and talents.

• Do not treat some children as darlings or favored than others.

• Domestic work activities should be for all

• Engage in activities that promote healthy competition and build positive memories

• Create time, talk to them and listen to their concerns, let each child know and feel they are special.

• Be fair in how you treat children.

• Where children do not understand the reason for unequal treatment be available to explain and address their concerns.