The Commonwealth Parliamentary Conference is a congregation of MPs from various commonwealth countries who get together on an annual basis with vital parliamentary issues to discuss, important diplomatic missions to pursue and support staff to carry their chargers.
This support staff includes adults with urges, libidos and the related bodily organs.
I am sure some of them have morals, perhaps the type of morals that prevent one from having sex with a foreign parliamentarian’s staff while on a commonwealth parliamentary conference but our Speaker is taking no chances.
Don’t chaw those boys, Rebecca Kadaga recently instructed Uganda’s CPA support staff. Not even the ones from Jamaica.
“Please, don’t enter with them in their rooms especially you young girls because we will not trace these diplomats when they leave problems behind. You know what I mean,” she said.
What she means, in case she was wrong about your knowledge is sexual intercourse that results in unplanned conception of a half-Jamaican in that hotel room.
Now, call me negative, call me cynical, but I don’t think this will work. For the following reasons.
I just did a google image search of Jamaican MPs and whoooah! Some of these legislators can gerrit! Ayayaya!
It’s not just that Miss World 1993 is now a Jamaican MP, but Canada, Fiji, the Seychelles, even Vanatu, a nation I had even forgotten existed, have what my research interns categorise as “Snacks” who can “definitely gerrit”.
And if my staff is more attractive than I am, it stands to reason that the support staff of a snack MP would be a meal.
“The slayage that is going to be there,” reported my senior research intern, Mutesi.
So, while she is right to be concerned, I think Becky with the good wig is warning the wrong people.
Not just because what consenting adults do with one another is no business of any nation’s legislature, but the warning is misplaced. It should be the other countries that should be warned against us.
Uganda has one of the highest fertility rates in the world. That’s five point seven children reserved for each Ugandan woman. Since you understand averages, you can work out that every woman who does not have 5.7 kids has passed on the balance to someone else.
For example, Bridget has only one daughter, Maxine (She’s adorable) but the national implications of Maxine are that someone else has to give birth to the other 4.7 that were allocated to Bridget.
In this case it was probably Maama Namugga, who had eight kids, that is her own quota, plus Bridget’s, and the balance from someone else– my guess is Atim’s, because Atim always practices safe sex.
Moreover, Uganda is full of sex. In Uganda the sex has sex with the sex. Uganda has so much sex that even the crested Crane stands on one leg. If you have a mind that is dirty enough, you will get that joke.
To say Ugandans rut like rabbits would elicit a raised eyebrow from any rabbit that has eyebrows because rabbits have long used the saying, in their language, Runyawakaima, “rutting like a ugandan human”.
And Ugandans don’t just have the sex, Ugandans have fertile sex. Ugandans don’t reproduce, we multiply.
Along with one of the highest fertility rates in the world, we also have one of the highest population growth rates in the world. When I had my first child there were only half as many people in this country. Now twenty four years later she’s having her first child to join 34 million others.
Speaker Bex has designed a restrictive dress code: “don’t put on green hair, miniskirts, and short dresses to receive our guests,” is how she outlined it.
That won’t work. I happen to know that Ugandans can conceive in Gomesis and kanzus. And often do.
So what then? Going by the speaker’s presumption that the other delegates are all potential deadbeat dads, and the presumption that you must have noticed by now, that our MPs staff are all female (because who would warn men not to wear mini skirts when visiting Jamaican delegates lest they get pregnant?) it looks like this will be a very difficult one. Considering, especially how effective telling people not to do it has been as a means of preventing sex.
This is the point when one offers advice, suggests a solution, presents a way to resolve the issue. Here it is: Get the trash’s name and credentials so if as Kads says,
“we will not trace these diplomats when they leave problems behind”, we can just get the clan elders on the bombadier to fly to Vanatu or Jamaica or wherever he is and make him support his kid.