Last week’s claim by the Wall Street Journal that Gavumenti had spied on Kyagulanyi Sentamu’s whatsapp conversations was untrue. Gavumenti was very clear on this: they were not spying on Bobi. So sharrap.
And I believe them, as you should.
Hacking into, monitoring, and spying on someone’s whatsapp messages is an intricate and complex operation that requires a fine touch, a steady hand, a clear focus and a high-level skillset. To pull it off, one would at least have to be competent. So whoever was spying on Bobi, we can rule out Gava from the list of suspects.
I’ll tell you who has been spying on whatsapp: the same guy who spies on all of us: Mark Zuckerberg.
Someone in the vicinity of my computer mumbled something about looking for spicy condiments. I asked aloud for clarification, “What? Spicy comdom-what?” and the computer, heard me. For the rest of the week I have been getting facebook ads about cinnamon-flavoured rubbers on my feed.
Government does not spy on Bobi Wine, as we have established, but….
Yes, there is a but. A pair of them. Namely, but they can and but they should.
If you have the malice, time, wherewithal, and IT know-how, most computers and phones can be turned into spying bugs. That’s why I don’t take chances. Every morning when I turn on my devices, the first thing I do is to pledge love, devotion and unswerving adoration to Dear Leader and, for good measure, repeat whatever dumb crap Beti Kamya most recently said. Just in case my earlier paragraphs about gava’s capacity to spy wrong and they actually are listening.
Hail NRM. May its unimpeachable, immaculate majesty reign eternally.
Spying on you is the whole point of social media actually. On the socials, you are not the customer, you are the product.
Social media services are in the business of collecting as much information about us as they can and selling this info to whoever is interested (often advertisers) so that they can target their solicitations with keener aim.
So Instagram knows when I have just received a kyeyo cheque and that is when I get ads for replica designer watches.
Facebook knows when my ex has just had a baby with her new husband and, after rubbing it in my face, making me feel like a loser, showing me a few more happy couples and their new families just to nail in the point that I am a lonely useless pathetic loser, starts splashing dating apps all over my phone.
Jokes on you Zuckerberg! Your spies think they know me? You don’t know me! I have no love left to give. I have no heart! Just scattered ash and cinders in my chest. I have no heart left. You are advertising love at a cavern of self loathing and darkness beyond grief. Hah hah! Jokes on you. Weep weep!
Anyway, let’s move on to why the government should spy on us.
Too often we gripe about the state of affairs, locally known in my region as “Embeera”, and call upon the state agencies to assist, locally known as “kusaba gavumenti”, but this tactic yields scanty results, for the predominant reason that government isn’t listening to us.
We ask for better roads but the government can’t hear us over the sounds of their sirens blaring at us to somehow climb onto the fences on the side of the narrow avenues and let its convoys pass.
We ask for schools, hospitals, clinics, teachers, drugs, human and civil rights, efficient service delivery…
Tusaba gavumenti but gavumenti doesn’t listen to us.
If we could get gavumenti to spy on Bobi Wine, then we would at least know who they listen to.
Once that happens we can join Bobi Wine’s whatsapp group and make our grievances known there.
“Yah man, big up People Power, freed di people! Mwana in our village of Nakasatu in Masaka district, people are drinking cholera. If only government would hear this and get us a protected well!”
“‘Ear Dis bredrin inna people power! Some LDU recruits in our remote village in Iculi district are plotting with some thieves to form an extortion racket, like a small mafia. We try to report but the local police is even more drunk now that they have to use whole bottles instead of mere satchets. We wish there was a way to get this information through to central government and they hear. Ya don’ kno!”
And so forth.