Being used in a relationship? Here is a smooth way out

Being used is never a good feeling, it’s not something we want to find out about, that people we are close to are taking advantage but unfortunately, it can happen in sneaky ways half the time we may not realize until it’s too late.

Any and everyone in our lives has the potential to use us be it our parents that sometimes advise us in a way of living through us to siblings who use us as a scapegoat because we are dad's favorite, workmates who use our general weaknesses to get promotions. It may not be so terrible to the point of heartbreaking but being used is being used and taken advantage of.

Into the bargain what hurts most though, is our lover using us, these are people we expect to spend the rest of our lives with finding out hurts like late in the night diarrhea on the first night you sleep at bae's. Embarrassing and hurts like a bitch.

Men tend to think the more they invest in the girl, the more she’ll appreciate and love him. Sadly, even though you could be dropping big bucks on her and giving her all the attention in the world, it doesn’t mean she feels the same.

Dan was in love with Sophie, the soap opera/telenovela kind of love so annoyingly cute that you hate it because you know deep down you may never be loved like that. Sophie did no wrong in Dan's eyes, she was perfect even when he caught her in a lie he would excuse her... maybe you forgot and mixed them up honey he would lovingly say. It was boring for her because they never fought he was always willing to compromise and having grown up in a family laced with fights and domestic violence, he did all to avoid fights. Sophie loved him in her own way but she cheated on him until he stepped up the game to her liking.

Sophie gave herself away when on a drunken night she confessed all, if someone had told him she was cheating am sure he wouldn't have believed them. He loved her, we all saw it, believed it and envied it. It was real love, for the first time I believed. He listened intently and took a month to realize he was actually being used, cheated on and taken for a fool.

He was still paying her rent, he was the one who always called, he paid for her airtime but she would only call when in trouble, she ran the show, everything was always on her time, she always rewarded him seriously for rent and the expensive gifts, before any of these she was distant.  Dan was a patient man though, he didn't give up on Sophie.

He was a man in love who would do anything to keep her but not against her will, not if she didn't love him. A month later, he confronted her and she would have laughed in his face a month or week before but coincidentally just a week ago she realized her other two guys were just using her for sex. She was a cheap lay, didn't ask for much because Dan was paying for all her major expenses, she didn't nag them about this and that because she was engaged elsewhere with Dan the main guy. She realized they never paid attention when she had issues like Dan did, they never even called to find out she had arrived safely after a night over, never randomly called just so say I love you like Dan did. She always called and even sent semi nudes.

When confronted Sophie admitted and apologized but slowly went back to her pattern of calling all the shots and always getting her way two weeks later. Dan woke up and realized his worth, he was handsome, loving from a rich family, hardworking, God-fearing... he was more than a triple threat so he too played hard to get, listened to her apologies but followed the patterns.

He listened to the apology and promises but only believed the actions. He stopped romanticizing what could be with them and looked at the present, what was actually going on in the present. He set limits, If you want your girlfriend to stop giving you a sob story at the end of every month when her rent is due and her bank account bare, you’ll need to make it clear that you have your own financial goals and cannot shoulder additional expenses.

Once you’ve let her know that you’ll no longer be an open wallet, you’ll need to stick to your guns, even when she asks you after you’ve had a wonderful night out and you’re both all lovey-dovey. Limits aren’t only financial. You also can establish boundaries to protect your peace of mind, such as not accepting dates with her when it’s clear that she has you on stand-by as a final option should her other plans not work out. After the limits, she finally moved in with him.

Long story short, having grown a pair of pants, Sophie started respecting Dan and this rekindled their love. She completely changed into a very understanding and loving girlfriend. They aren't married yet because he says it’s like they started over and he is still enjoying this all in love phase. He is learning more about the real Sophie, not the fantasy. Sophie is also surprisingly okay with the waiting.

In  a nutshell to avoid being used in a relationship, Don't fall in love with potential but actual present relationship, Believe patterns and actions not apologies, Believe all the red flags and act accordingly(if you get the impression that there's something one-sided about your relationship, ignoring it is only going to make things tougher on you in the long-run, If it's all about them and never about you, that's a good way to tell that they might be using your relationship for their own benefit.. so act.

Know your worth... be willing to walk away (if they care they will step up and if not you will be rid of them), do not lower your standards. Only do what you are okay with not out of pressure or need to impress someone. Set limits and stick to them. Stew the guilt of turning her down (A girl who uses others likely knows how and when to push your buttons to her benefit. Don’t be surprised if she turns on the tears or accuses you of being a cold, uncaring person in an attempt to manipulate you. Keep telling yourself that all will be well)

My dear ladies the same applies to a guy using you for sex, maid services, and a baby-making factory. If you realize he is using you and taking advantage of your love for him the same applies, set limits, know your worth, be willing to walk away, grow a pair and stand up for yourself, do for them only what you okay with.

#throughmyeyes