3rd April 2019, marked eight months since I had cried over him, I had been in love with Keith for as long as I can remember, well we just met a few years ago but it was love at first sight for me. He was handsome, self-driven friendly, honest had the best smile, smiled with the eyes am a sucker for those.
Last year’s valentine’s day Feb 14, Keith asked me out on a casual date, enamoured by this gesture, I confessed my feelings to him and he kindly, compassionately, lovingly told me NO…he wasn’t interested, that he saw me as a sister, wanted someone like me but not me huh??!. Even when I knew my heart couldn’t really break, I felt it was doing exactly that.
I felt it break when he said NO, I looked down around my chest to see if I was bleeding because it hurt that bad. I think I died momentarily because I gaped at him for a few minutes went to the washroom cried for 5 mins, came back fake smiling stayed for fifteen minutes faked a call and left. I cried the whole night and no am not 18yrs that it was my first heartbreak, am a grown ass woman. But this hurt so bad.
I had a rough childhood, my mother died after giving birth to me, apparently the doctors asked them to choose between saving her or me and while my dad chose her, she chose me. My dad loves me so much as I remind him of my mother he says, but he remarried, remarried a very determined woman. And no she didn’t pull me by the hair across the room, she didn’t punish me, she didn’t talk ill about me to the whole town, she didn’t put all the chores on me at home, she didn’t stop me from going to school….. But she ignored me utterly and completely. She saw through and past me, I didn’t exist for her. she could send one of my siblings behind me even if I was nearest, I don’t think I remember ever hearing her say my name, to her I didn’t exist. So I know what pain is, I grew up on rejection I had it for breakfast, lunch and supper but when he said NO, there was a physical pain in my chest, and the rest of my body felt fatigued, bruised and aching. It hurt like a mother fucker.
Keith loved me (platonic love) beyond measure, would do anything for me except be in love with me. I was so sure I loved him even though nothing had happen between us, I knew it wasn’t a crush, I felt it in my brain ,heart and body every time he smiled at me. He had the most beautiful smile (smiled with those beautiful eyes of his), was hardworking God fearing, wasn’t a gang boy; I know I already said all this but, he was just what the doctor had prescribed, just like God had intended for a man to look like.
On days ending in Y I prayed to God “as you said Lord, a woman will leave her father’s house and join her husband and the two will become one” Lord, Keith is the one I choose. Sadly that prayer wasn’t answered, at least not the way I wanted.
Had never talked to him until today……6th June 2019, so how did I get over him? I can’t say it was planned, I can’t pretend to have all the answers or techniques, can’t say I realized later it wasn’t love because it was for me.. I loved him. But I can assure you, am so over him that when I met him for coffee earlier today I didn’t even blush but talked to him like the brother he should have been from the beginning.
Getting over him wasn’t easy but to begin with, I acknowledged that I had been hurt and decided to take care of myself; gentle, kind and understanding. No I didn’t go to bed and sleep day and night or eat pizza day in day out or party like the president had resigned, because I knew it wouldn’t help. I also distanced myself from our daily routine, there was an opening upcountry for a new branch manager at my workplace and I took it on impulse. I missed him gravely, cried a lot the first months it still hurt.
I felt lonely and alone, he had promised never to make me cry but he did that day and I saw the hurt in his eyes, he felt he had failed me too, by making me sad, he had been calling non-stop so I texted him saying am okay and we shall talk when am ready. There (up country) I got a new routine and made sure I was occupied, with work and sports, charity…. with in no time I stopped crying over him.
I also bought a notebook and penned down all my thoughts with no filter. I wrote nonstop, in the note book and my laptop while at work, I didn’t read through any of it because it felt like I was talking to the wind, the words just flew away. Then one day I got a pen to write like I always did but this time I thought, I could wait around for him to love me or I could live such an awesome life that I forget all about him and that I did. I went out for a pint with my workmates and it was amazing.
It was the beginning of my healing process, I realised I could actually smile and feel alive without him… the feeling was phenomenal. This went on for good months, I went out with new friends and colleagues met some interesting handsome guys and I could breathe again.
During this time I started to question which was better, to have loved or not have loved at all. I realized I wouldn’t change that feeling for anything. It was beautiful to fall in love. I also thought about all the guys I rejected in the past because they were quite many. I realised its life, it happens to the best of us beautiful or not, tall or short, fat or small. Over and above that, I appreciated the fact that he told me the truth and didn’t pretend to love me when he actually didn’t that he didn’t take advantage of my love for him like most guys do.
Into the bargain, I started thinking about how hurt and guilty Keith felt, he had hurt me and knowing him, it didn’t sit well by him-must be devastated to dat. I felt bad because I had hurt him too even though unintentionally. This allowed me not to only think about myself but look at the big picture.
There many ways to get over heartache but these helped me, they could help you too for unrequited love or loss of a lover. Bottom line, it’s better to love even though only to get hurt than never falling in love. Love makes us feel alive.
#throughmyeyes
