The House of Falament this week opens with some sad news for the members:
Speaker: I am going to call for order, but knowing you guys, I might as well be calling for the moon to sing Kyarenga. What’s up Member from Ssebunyampa? It looks like you have some nonsense bursting to escape your cracked smoker’s lips.
Member for Ssebunyampa: Guys, according to reputable news website Nilepost (Accurate news fast) we have not been paid our salaries for two months.
Member from Ggwa South: What? Who is delaying our salaries? Do they think we are teachers or what? Bring them here and they answer for this unpatriotic behaviour of theirs.
Member from Ggwa North: How dare they prevent Members from getting money? Enemies of development. I move for a penal code amendment! Hang them!
Member from Kilama: We haven’t been paid for two months? I didn’t notice.
Member from Pimkwam: You didn’t notice?
Member from Kilama: Mwana, I’m rich, I have so much money coming in from the various businesses I set up using corrup— I mean, using fiscal policy that I barely notice my salary.
Speaker: But you were one of those on the forefront of calling for allowances. If I remember correctly, in the past three months you have called for allowance increments four times.
Member from Kilama: That’s because one of my businesses is being a money-lender/loan shark/mafia extortionist/blackmailer. And some of these members owe me money they can’t pay. I vote for allowances for them so they can return my dimes with the interest.
Member from Ssebunyampa: Madam Speaker sir, may it please the house and this august institution, I would like to enter a motion as follows. “Our money! Our money! Our money!”
Member from Mbocwa: Funny you should say that. Every time you jackals raise allowances, that is exactly the same thing the constituents all over Uganda chant.
Member From Ddriput: Sorry I’m late, guys. Madam speaker, I don’t apologise to you, however. You told me that late arrivals are so common that if everyone said sorry when they strolled in, it would take a full four hours off the schedule.
Member from Alipepe: We have a schedule? I thought we just came in here and proceeded to create chaos and kavuyo for the whole day.
Speaker: The delay in salaries is due to a bureaucratic bottleneck it is being resolved by the ministry of finance.
Member from Ssebunyampa: Where is the minister of finance?
Member from Ggwa North: He went shwsweeeeee!
Member from Kilama: Where have you been, Ddriput? And where is my money?
Member from Ddriput: I was officiating at the official opening of an official bottle of whiskey at an important official kafunda in my neighbourhood last night. Then I failed to wake up on time.
Member from Ssebunyampa: Well, you are the one with the best ideas for fleec— I mean corru— I mean fiscal policy in Falament. Now that you are here, give us ideas. The Minster has gone schweeee with our money.
Member from Ddriput: Okay, remember how we recently gave the president 33 billion for field tours?
Member from Ssebunyampa: No, but I tend to vote anything that has billion on it without reading, so I assume we did.
Member from Ddriput: Okay, so next time the president goes on a field tour, you accompany him. You will also be accompanying 33 Billion.
Member from Mbocwa: Madam Speaker, may I bring to the attention of these greedy houseflies that while they are lamenting two months without 30 million shilling salaries, we have school teachers all over the nation who have been struggling to eke out a living AND educate a whole nation on a paltry 500 thousand shillings. We have not even given them the measly 150k increment we promised them.
Speaker: Member from Mbocwa, you have a point. The rest of you insatiable crocodiles, have you no shame?
Youth Member from Alipepe: I remember my school days. I remember my teachers. I hated them. In fact, one of the reasons I stood for elections was to pass a law making it legal for students to cane teachers back. Let them eat cake.
The House of Falament is a satirical column by Mr Ernest Bazanye