THE ROGUE
If you have ever been convicted of corruption or abuse of office, you will not be allowed to step on one of the CRJ 900 Bombardier aeroplanes that Uganda acquired in its attempt to revive Uganda Airlines.
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And if you are a fan of Bobi Wine's music, don't expect to listen to it. We shall get to the details shortly.
First, two planes arrived yesterday to much fanfare at Entebbe International Airport. There was a lot of dancing and exchange high fives as senior government officials took turns to pose with the plane.
In fact it appeared as if some people were seeing a plane for the first time.
Now let us get to some of the details on how Uganda Airlines shall operate.
World over, airlines institute rules and regulations that are supposed to be followed by the crew and passengers.
In the wake of the September 2001 terrorist attacks in the US, where planes were used as the major weapon of attack, airlines tightened these rules.
For instance, no airline allows you to smoke on board neither can you carry a knife, or a deodorant above 100 mls in your hand luggage.
Now that Uganda Airlines is about to take to the skies, senior officials in government have been busy trying to draft some rules.
A copy of the draft rules, that will be pinned in the Business and Economy classes seen by The Rogue, paint an interesting if intriguing picture.
First, if you are corrupt and there is plenty of evidence to prove if, you will not be allowed to get 100 metres near the plane.
One official told The Rogue that they will be strict with this and have found ways of enforcing it.
If your name has been cited in at least two corruption scandals, he said, you will not be allowed to board the plane.
You will have to present proof that you were cleared and the allegations were quashed by the courts of law.
Then the management of Uganda Airlines shall work closely with The Inspectorate of Government to identify officials with questionable integrity. Those whose wealth declarations are debatable will be listed.
"We want to begin this airline on a new slate. The old airline was tainted by scandals," the official said.
The second rule is that they don't want to have bed bugs, cockroaches and things of that nature on any of the planes.
So they are going to establish a special fumigation room, near the Departures Lounge, where passengers will first be disinfected before they board the plane.
Those found with bed bugs or cockroaches will first be put aside for more thorough disinfecting.
The official told us that the previous airline had a poor record when it came to hygiene. There were occasional sightings of rats, cockroaches and bedbugs on the plane.
Like a leper, our planes used to be isolated at certain airports in Europe for the fear that they could "infect" others with rats and bed bugs.
The third and controversial rule relates to inflight entertainment. They are going to fix a TV screen in the Economy Class where people will watch movies and music. Those of you who have travelled on long route buses get the picture.
For movies, The Rogue has been told that they will largely show local movies known as BinaUganda.
Where they show western movies, they will have to be translated for the sake of some passengers who might not understand English.
When it comes to music, they will still go with local artistes. The only caveat is that they will not play music of some artistes especially those who are critical to government. So don't expect to hear Bobi Wine's "Tuliyambala Engule" on any of the flights.
THE ROGUE is a satirical column that runs once a week on The Nile Post.
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