NEW COLUMN: Falamentarians suggest age limits for Besigye and opposition politicians running for presidency

House of Falament convenes again to nap, chew gum, collect allowances, carry out clandestine workplace affairs and generally waste life, time and our oxygen.

Deputy Speaker: Okay, you recklessly assembled gaggle of Hufflepuff rejects, order!

Member from Sebunyampa : I miss Madam Speaker. At least when she insulted us she used easy-to-understand terms, like ‘you goats’, or ‘you chicken’ or you 'hyenas’. This one makes me finish my iPad battery looking up meanings of his abuse. What is Hufflepuff now?

Deputy Speaker: Do you want me to issue another insult for those of you who don’t know what Hufflepuff is? Because I have plenty of alternatives. I have, “Order, you crude-waragi-drunk zinj anthropi”.

I have, “Order, you financial sewers that only come here to keep draining the country of its money.”

I also have, “Order, you merchants of mayhem who are so chaotic, that all the houseflies in chambres are only here to study you and learn your technique so they can use it next time they find something a cow has left behind.”

Member from Sebunyampa: Mister Subspeaker sir, we would appreciate it if you used sentences that were easier for the person of down to understand.

Deputy Speaker: What is “person of down”? I can’t understand the language you use. If mine is too elitist, yours is just too much of the opposite.

Member from Kilama: Boss, let me handle this, okay. The deputy speaker calls to order all of you ladies and gentlemen of the house.

Member from Sebunyampa: Alright.

Member from Kilama: And whatever it is that Alipepe sent when we asked for ladies and gentlemen to represent them. I don’t know what that one there is. It looks like it could be a tourist attraction.

Member from Alipepe: Whatever you say about Alipepe, we don’t care. You Kilama haters cannot even bring us down with your cheap insults. Haters gonna hate, but it’s too late, cos we already ate, Yeah! The Age Limit ruling was delivered and we won, so no matter what Kilama says, all you opposition rats and toads and beetles can fart off back to the rubbish!

Member from Mbocwa: Point of What? You mean the judges ruled in favour of upholding the age limit removal on Friday?

Member from Ggwa North: You didn’t watch? It was on TV.

Member from Mbocwa: I saw them but they were taking loooooong. So I took out my ipad and watched Game of Thrones. Would you believe what happened in the last episode? The...

Member from Ogonja: Stop! No spoilers! I swear if you spoil for me, my constituency will declare war on yours. You will see another Game of Thrones in Uganda when we get our own civil war.

Member from Ddriput: I can’t believe you are surprised. Honestly, did you really think they would return age limits?

Member from Mbocwa: I am more surprised that they actually finished. Those guys talk so slowly, I thought it would take at least four days for them to finish reading the ruling.

Member from Alipepe: Madam Speaker point-five, sir, on behalf of my constituents of Alipepe constituency, and in conjunction with the woman MP from Alipepe, the youth MP from Alipepe and the Falament popcorn vendor who is also from Alipepe, we would like to congratulate the entire ruling party on our victory. No collusion! Our Dear Leader will rule forever! Youth Member, please dab for the house.

Youth member from Alipepe: I hereby dab.

Member from Mbocwa: Have you guys really thought this through, though? I mean, this could come back and haunt you.

Member from Alipepe: How, when and of where? We are like expensive data bundles now, unlimited. We are like school dropouts, no terms!

Member from Mbocwa: What if, what if, what if, just imagine, what if, by some freak accident, Besigye wins the next elections? Do you know what you will have done? How many terms will he have to serve?

Member from Alipepe: Ooops.

Member from Mbocwa: And at what age will he have to retire?

Youth Member from Alipepe: Ooooops.

Member from Alipepe: Alternative Speaker Sir, I would like to move a motion to restore Age Limits and term limits to the constitution. In fact, I move to introduce Besigye Limits...