NEW COLUMN: House of Falament members believe Uganda Airlines can be a flying success

House of Falament is a satirical column by ERNEST BAZANYE

While the rest of us are standing, sweating in the heat of unemployment, there are others sitting in air conditioning and cushioned benches in the House of Falament. Also unemployed, because they don’t really work, do they? But they get paid. Presenting House of Falament:

Deputy Speaker: We begin with the usual doomed attempt to call the house to order.

Member from Ggwa North: I don’t know why you even bother. You can’t turn houseflies into ants.

Deputy Speaker: Okay. Members, reduce disorder to at least below 70 percent. Member from Ndigansanvu, wake up please. You have started scratching your neighbour instead of yourself. Member from Nyamayaaki, go to sleep. The rest, let us discuss national affairs and repeal, break, disregard, violate, and otherwise abuse the law.

Member from Kilama: But where is Madam Speaker? I heard she was recovering.

Deputy Speaker: The honourable Madam Speaker is recuperating but is still not ready to be exposed to this nonsense. So I am still the one in charge, inasmuch as anyone can be in charge of a viral outbreak of nonsense and timewastery.

Member from Kilama: Deputy Speaker Madam, since you are not a full speaker, are you a subwoofer or a tweeter? That was a joke for the millennials. You old guys won’t get it-- you only know sound solo, Sanyo radios and underdevelopment.

67-year-old Member from Akwenyoro: There is one thing we know that you millennials don’t know. Employment. Hah! One nil. Whistle blows! Full time! Champion!

Member from Ddriput: Madam semi-speaker and members at large, I would like to stand up and propose a toast to Uganda Airlines. We are getting it off the ground! Uganda will be flying high! And other puns of that nature.

Deputy Speaker: Sit back down on your flab, man. You can’t toast in the house. Drinking is not allowed.

Member from Ddriput: What? You should have told us that half an hour ago.

Member from Pimkwam: Half an hour? You should have told me that two hours ago. I’ve been sipping Lira Lira since 9:00pm.

Member from Kilama: Me, you should have told me last week.

Member from Ssebuynampa: Me, I haven’t been sober since I was elected.

Deputy Speaker: How can you not know this? It was in the orientation booklet, you jackal heads! We gave you the code of conduct. Did you even read it?

Member from Akwenyoro: We were too drunk at the time. Try to say Lira Lira Literacy and see what happens. It’s not possible, even before you start drinking.

Member from Ddriput: Okay, if you can’t toast, then at least belch or burp the alcohol within in honour of Uganda Airlines.

Member from Mbocwa: Point of exasperation. Why, why, why in the first place. Was there a need? Was there a gap?

Member from Kilama: Point of observation. Hater about to hate. Watch. Okay, Mbocwa, do your thing.

Member from Mbocwa: The airline industry is notoriously unprofitable. The only firms that make any money are large alliances with hundreds and hundreds of crafts in their fleets, serving the busiest routes several times a day! How are we to compete?

Member from Bariaho: This is colonial mentality raising its ugly head.

Member from Mbocwa: Did you just call me ugly?

Member from Bariaho: Yes, but it was by accident. Anyway, I was saying, colonial mentality -- you brainwashed Africans fear to be like the British. You think you can’t copy their ostentatious, frivolous gestures such as having airlines.

Member from Mbocwa: Britain doesn’t have an airline.

Member from Kilama: Excuse you. They do. My cousin the conman who was just deported from Croydon came off British Airways. I read the tail of the plane.

Member from Mbocwa: British Airways is owned by International Airlines Group, a multinational consortium that also owns Iberia, Luftansa, Air France-KLM, Norweigian Airlines...

Member from Bariaho: Then Uganda Airlines is better than Britain, Germany and France then! Because it is owned by us!

Member from Ogonja: Actually according to my local barmaid… I mean, my reliable sources… we only own one screw in the rear tyres and half a seat in the economy class. The rest is owned by mysterious persons unknown.

Member from Ggwa South: Who are those? And more importantly, where is my satchet?

Member from Bariaho: Don’t panic, guys, don’t panic. I spoke to the minister. It was just a clerical error in the documentation process. Like the time my side chick put on facebook that she was in a relationship with me, and my wife, who was friends with one of her friends, saw it.

Member from Kilama: But you guys are being so unpatriotic. Just because the buses flopped, just because the train flopped, doesn’t mean Uganda government can’t run a transport business. Maybe what we need is an airline Maybe this one will work.

Member from Ggwa: Point of inquiry.

Deputy speaker: Yes, honourable.

Member from Ggwa: Seriously, where is my satchet?