House of Falament is a new satirical column by Ernest Bazanye
The Onerous members of the House of Falament convene in their chambres, under the supervision of the deputy speaker to talk about how the nation is, can and should be governed. Or maybe just to talk about everything but that.
Deputy Speaker: Will the honourable member from Pimkwam please just stop whatsapping or playing Candy Crush or whatever he is doing on his ipad so we can start work? This guy is so addicted to that gadget. You’re like an adolescent.
Member from Pimkwam: It’s your fault. Who gave us the ipads? Who gave us the free wifi?
Member from Kilama (Also on his Ipad): Yeah, and who paid for us social media tax so we can be on all day?
Member from Mbocwa: We are on public wifi, guys. There is no tax being paid.
Member from Kilama: So we made a tax and everyone is paying it except us? This is why we are leaders. Leaders can’t be doing the same thing as the followers otherwise what is the point?
Member from Pimkwam, (still on ipad): Let me even tweet that.
Member of Ggwa: Tweet it so I can retweet and like!
Member from Mmwengennyo: Yeah. Then I can steal the tweet and get likes and retweets for myself on my own twitter account.
Member from Pimkwam: But why do you steal tweets, you infected frog?
Member from Mmwengennyo: Same reason you stole votes, you witchdoctor’s hyena. Because it’s a popularity contest.
Member from Mbocwa: Someone call this house to order… or at least to to less disorder, please.
Deputy speaker: Yeah guys. Behave yourselves. Settle down. Youth member and Woman members of Akwenyoro, how many times do we have to tell you you can’t play omweso in the chambres?
Woman Member from Akwenyoro: What is Omweso? Us we are playing Coro.
Youth Member from Akwenyoro: Yeah. Check your privilege, southerner.
Old Male Regular Member from Akwenyoro: Is it lunchtime yet? Get me my ipad I order lasagna.
Deputy Speaker: Now, guys, the Speaker is not here this week. She is recovering from an illness that came from fatigue…
Member from Mbocwa: In other words, just like the rest of the nation, she’s sick and tired of this house.
Deputy Speaker: So, as deputy I am in charge now. So I order the member from Pimkwan to get off his ipad!
Member from Pimkwan: Mister Deputy Speaker madam, I have just got a very frightening whatsapp message. I very willingly cast away this gadget. I will even log off. In fact, I call a motion to reinstate load shedding and abolish electricity including the one already in the ipad battery. Blue ticks are not enough. We need extreme measures after this message I just received.
Member from Alipepe: I smell gossip. What has happened?
Member from Pimkwam: One of my many pregnant side chicks has found a lawyer to sue me for child support.
Member from Kilama: Who cares? Just keep dodging the case claiming important parliamentary duties. You can keep avoiding court until your seven-year term ends.
Member from Mbocwa: You guys only use your ipads to follow Sheebah and Cindy: you don’t even know that it’s still five years, guys.
Member from Kilama: No! We changed the law to seven years. Who dares, who has the audacity, who has the temerity who has the gourds to challenge what we say?
Mbocwa: Um… the judiciary?
Member from Ggwa North: I have never heard of this Judith Charlie. Who is she?
Member from Mbocwa: The constitutional court. Duh.
Member from Kilama: What is the point of making laws if anyone who wants to can just waddle in and change them fwaa?
Member from Mbocwa: The judges said the same thing: What’s the point of having a constitution if any MP can just waddle in and change it fwaa?
Member from Bwagobwa: Point of inquiry, Mr Deputy Speaker madam, and the house at large, which of you is Ant?
Member from Ssessetula: Point of response to point of inquiry with yet another inquiry: What?
Member from Bwagobwa: Point of clarification on earlier point of inquiry: I have just got an invite on facebook to like ANT. Is it Anthony? Aunty, fans of the album Anti by Rihanna who cannot spell, or is it small insects?
Member from Ssessetula: Point of rolling my eyes in disbelief. That’s the new political party that was cleared last week. Mugisha Muntu’s party Alliance for National Transformation. Mr Deputy Speaker, can I slap this one? I know we said no more fights in chambres, but the situation obviously calls for it.
Deputy Speaker: That’s it. Put down that Ipad! No more social media! Now, can we discuss business! First order, guys, what allowances shall we vote for today?
NB: In case you missed last week’s House of Falament column…