REVIEW: Fast and Furious is crap, the Fast and Furious kind

If the “Fast and Furious” franchise was made in Germany, this installment would rightly be pronounced number “Nein”. 

As in, “No” or more appropriately: Aw, hell, no. 

"F9," the latest installment in the "Fast and Furious" series, is so exaggerated that it seems to imply that going too far is not far enough. 

In one scene, Dominic "Dom" Toretto (Vin Diesel) drives off the edge of a cliff with his partner Letty Ortiz (Michelle Rodriguez) and they are seen soaring through the air like two aerodynamic creatures. 

Do they fall, no. 

That’s because they never looked down like the cartoon character Wily E Coyote always does when he’s chasing the Road Runner and finds himself going off a cliff. 

He hangs in midair, for a second, looks down, and then that's when he suddenly falls! 

If he never looked down, he wouldn't have fallen. 

Or maybe if he joined the cast of Fast and Furious, Wily E Coyote would actually become the Road Runner! 

Anyway, "F9" (which is the lowest mark one can get in Uganda’s O-Level grading system) revolves around a rivalry between Dom's long-lost brother Jakob Toretto (John Cena) and Dom himself.

The movie begins in 1989 when a car crash kills their car-racer dad. 

He crashes into the hoardings in a motorsport race which should’ve been called Formula One, but that would be F1 in short and this movie is F9. 

So he had to die, because he seems to have been in the wrong movie. 

Plus, he didn’t drive off a cliff, which is far safer than crashing in a racing circuit. 

By the by, fun fact: Vin Diesel's real-life son, Vincent Sinclair Diesel, plays the younger him. 

Anyway, fast forward (furiously, if you please) into the future and Dom is living off the grid with Letty and their son (Vinnie Bennett). 

All is fine and dandy until Roman (Tyrese Gibson), Tej (Chris "Ludacris" Bridges) and Ramsey (Nathalie Emmanuel) materialize like three bats out of hell to tell them that national security honcho Mr. Nobody (Kurt Russell) captured their old antagonist Cipher (Charlize Theron). 

However while Mr. Nobody was patting himself on the back like nobody’s business, the plane taking Cipher to prison was attacked by rogue agents and it crashed in the fictional Central American nation of Montequinto. 

Of course the team goes to Montequinto, only to find themselves eyeball-to-scrotum ball with Jakob, who is working with a rich prick named Otto (Thue Ersted Rasmussen). 

Otto has a master plan. 

No, he doesn’t want to help Dom grow a few strands of hair on his pie-bald head so he can come back as Ethan Hawke in Fast and Furious 10. 

Although that wouldn’t be a bad idea, since getting anyone to watch F10 will be Mission Impossible. 

Otto has less helpful plans.

He wants to control the security networks of every country on the planet. That way, his wealthy dad can get pocket money from him and Daddy Dearest can split it with Jakob. 

He could give some to Dom too, if Dom can stop saying “FAMMMM-LY” in every Fast and Furious movie. 

Helen Mirren has a cameo as Magdalene Shaw, and she’s as smooth as ever.

I’ve never seen her young, but she seems to be one of those ladies for whom age is just a number marked by multiple stellar performances. 

Tyrese Gibson, thankfully, doesn’t cry like a baby in this movie and he links up well with Ludacris to provide some modest comedy relief. 

While both of them crack wise, Dom takes on more villains single handedly than Rambo in his own wet dream. 

Basically, if you are a fan of action movies which have more testosterone than WrestleMania; this one is right up your alley. 

But if you are looking for more than mindless mayhem, F9 is a movie best enjoyed by being ignored.