Opinion: Government should hire Sheikh Muzaata to shut up Bobi Wine

Former local musician Eddy Kenzo, who quit last week, citing emotional trauma and hurt feelings stemming from words uttered by one Sheikh Nuhu Muzaata Batte, has just solved one of our biggest problems as a nation.

I don't mean it that way. The Sheikh, I presume, like the rest of us with ears, loves Kenzo music, so it isn’t that he said Kenzo sucked and should stop.

Here is what happened. Kenzo’s ex just got married to another guy. I have not been paying enough attention to know the details because it's bad enough that I have to deal with my own relationship problems without having to obsess over Kenzo’s as well.

Belinda broke up with me, you guys. It is killing me inside, first because I lost her, but also because the new guy is so obviously better than me. He has muscles, a full beard, and a great wardrobe. All he does is show me how inadequate I am. I am so dejected, especially because I can’t slide into the DMs to find a rebound. She left with her wifi thingy so I can’t even get on social media any more. 

And I am not going to pay for data and OTT. How am I going  to pay tax just to see the new dude in all her tweets and instagram pics and FB posts?

Anyway, that's why I am minimising my concern with celebs' personal lives to only the amount where it affects us as the wananchi. 

So, what does Kenzo's ultimatum mean for Uganda?

As we know, Gavumenti has been having trouble with musicians lately. They want to hold concerts at places such as Busabala, for example, but the state is hesitant to allow them to sing, for reasons open to speculation and conjecture. 

They won’t even let Bobi perform Omukwano Guluymya, which translates to “love hurts”, a song that is so true, it has become my own national anthem, the anthem of my own personal segment of the nation. My lonely, empty, Belinda-less segment of uganda.

FOCUS! We are here to talk about political satire.

Gava keeps blocking Bobi Wine concerts and this causes tremors and turmoil amongst malcontent people power members as well as the Bobi Wine fans who may be, as I am, staunch dyed-in-the-wool NRM fanatics and just wanted to go watch a Bobi Wine show, maybe drown our sorrows in song, to numb the pain and get some respite from this crushing anguish that is all Belinda left in my soul. 

But now we have the answer for Gava.

Kenzo is one of our most prolific musicians, a man who cannot be faulted with any lack of professional commitment. If you know Kenzo’s story, you know the sacrifices he made to get to where he is… or rather where he was before he made the decision to retire from the stage. 

This man didn't crawl through the fire to get to a stage just to walk casually away. 

The only one who walked casually away was Belinda. She just said, “Baz, this isn’t working for me.” and left. It was easy for her because, according to my current feelings, I am worthless trash. But Kenzo quitting music? It must be something momentous that happened.

What happened in Kenzo’s case was Sheikh Muzaata. 

I don’t know exactly what he said exactly, because my research department has quit. They are tired of my constant moaning about Belinda. “Am-Bowad!” snapped Sekajugo, the arts and culture research assistant, “Every time Belinda Belinda. Then tears and running nose in the office. I quit.”

I let them go. I’m used to people leaving me now. If Belinda couldn’t stay, why should I care if anyone else abandons me?

But back to the issue that brought us here. How to Make Singers Quit The Ugandan Stage.

Gavumenti, we need to call this Sheikh and ask him if he has any message for Bobi Wine.

He has the power to so incense a singer that that singer will shut up and forswear all local stages. If we could get him to say a few words about Bobi, get Bobi to also quit.

And just like that, problem solved. No longer will we need house arrests, concert bans, Busabala deployments, or trampling the fundamental rights to free expression. Why gag the singer when we can let the singer gag himself.